Love & Insecurities

I love him, I trust him, but because of the insecurities within myself I sometimes think he's too busy for me, or he doesn't really feel like talking. And I get if he's down and he's wthdrawn, that's something else. I just get weird. Last two days I've been down, and I've messaged him normally- I don't feel right just outing "I feel down and don't feel the safest right now, I don't trust myself." I'm not like that. I know if I really was going to harm myself, I wouldn't message him, I'd pick up my phone and call the help line number that I have saved. Like i've done in the past. And I don't want to have to tell him I'm down for him to reply to my message. I'm making him sound like a total jackass right now and when in reality he's absolutely lovely and supportive, and if I really did reach out like he asks me to he'd be there for me. I just had a shower, my head is still pounding and I know when I go to sleep tonight I'm going to have another nightmare.

Heal

Somehow, some time ago he made made me trust him completely. Even though I refrained from being really open about how much I appreciate him, how much I love our friendship he was always there taking what I gave him, appreciating me and respecting my limits, not trying to pressure or change me.

But the truth of the matter is, he has changed me. For the better. I don't exactly know when but I began to open up and feel completely safe sharing my thoughts and feelings with him. I've never felt like he's judged me, only supported me and believed in me.

The abuse I went through, it made me close doors to protect myself, until I felt like I was in this massive place isolated from everyone- always the loneliness lingering there behind every smile and laugh. But he changed that. While I still find it hard to open up to people, I am beginning to trust again, trust that there is good in people and so much love around me. 

I love him. 

Scrambled

Thoughts:

I'm so sleep deprived

I should make more friends so when I want to go out I'll have someone that's up to hang out

I should fill my closet with more harem pants

I should put that juicer on lay buy

I need to get my proof of age card done

My soap supplies should hurry up and get here

I wanna see dawn of the planet of the apes tomorrow

I'm so in love with him

I'm officially seeking part time work

Can't wait to see 22 jump street

I need fluffier pillows

I need sleep

Soap-making

So I'm going to try something new, out of my creative zone, and try soap making! I'm looking forward to it.

I had a flash back of when I was about 10, I'd ride on my bike around the blocks and get flowers from near a lake and pinch some from gardens and ride away, and make perfume from the flowers with water lol.

I remember I'd have these cool vase type bottle things where I'd put the perfume in and i'd store them. That was a nice time.

Resolute

Ideal daughter

Okay, so for many years now my parents have occasionally compared me to their friend's daughter, who is almost my age. I'm about a year older than her. They'd say stuff like, ___ is such a good girl, she's doing this, she wears the hijab, she prays, she works, blah blah blah. The thing is, I actually LIKE her, and they're making me resent her from their yapping.

I'm bringing this up because I just heard about my uni application, I've been told that it's on hold pending a document I need to attach (my results from the entrance exam) but it's impossible for me to attach these documents because the entrance exam is expensive and I can't take it right now. Now, I knew this would happen so I'm not shocked or anything. So I just told my dad, and he asks if I called ___ and I said no, why? and he tells me, well, she's trying to get into nursing too. You should do what she's doing.
*deep breath*

He has no idea what course she is doing. I am aware of what options are available to me. I am not sitting on my ass and wasting valuable time by choice, but because of circumstances.

**End of bitchy rant**

"Fun"

So.. since my last post I have learnt that thanks to technicalities I cannot graduate this year. Another big set back. Since then I have withdrawn from all of my classes and applied to university. My best option is to apply for this nursing diploma since it's a pathway into the bachelors, and it takes a year off it, too. So I've applied. If all goes well I start in February. The mid year intake (what I applied for) starts up in July but I'm pretty sure before I can be accepted I need to sit this entrance exam which is $60 and I can't spend what little funds I have at the moment on that. So if all goes well, I re-apply in Sept and start in Feb.

In the mean time, I've been sitting at home doing absolutely nothing: watching shows, films. Seriously, I hardly leave my house and that is just the norm now. Life is so short, why am I wasting mine? I'm so bored all the time. I suggested to a friend maybe I should start my TESOL course, give me something to do. He asked me if I had thought of doing something fun, something without pressure. And I literally realised I don't even know what is fun to me anymore.

I am in such a rut.