Sleep, study, repeat.

So much work.

So much work! and not enough time. Though I realise, I don't put every hour of my time to productive use. I need to manage my time better. I have realised I'm becoming more consistent, though, and that makes me quite happy with myself

Long term goal: Manage time better
Short term goal: SLEEP

Mouthing off

I hate being around people who talk badly of others. I really do. Worse being, when they look like they're savouring what they say, indulging the negativity they're creating. I hate it.

I don't want to listen to you talk about the bad side and failures of this person. We all have bad sides and all make mistakes. What you're saying is ugly, I don't want to hear it. But I can't say that without sounding completely rude or disrespectful, so I'll stare at the ground and not ask any questions.

I don't want...

I don't want to be the kind of person who worries about what other people are thinking of them.

I don't want to be the kind of person who feels they have to look a certain way before they leave the house.

I don't want to be the kind of person who fusses about the house being tidy before visitors come over.

I don't want to be the kind of person who thinks they need someone else's approval.

I don't want to be the kind of person that feels they have to measure up to someone else's expectations.

I don't want any of that. I just want to be me. But who the hell am I, anyway?

Edit: I'm starving. But these stomach cramps are a bitch.

Sick

Stomach flu. Have been sitting on my ass all day from dizziness!! Crappy crappy times. I'm fairly happy though. Fuck, just remembered I forgot to take my meds today.This past week has been good, and I made a new friend who also wants to become a Nurse Practitioner.

Scrubs is making me happy. The janitor is my favourite.
Back to scrubs.

Frazzled

My day consisted of running around filling out financial aid forms in my appointment, picking up forms, printing things off, returning library books, buying textbooks, buying stationary, going to the post office and emailing teachers.

I'm frazzled. I never use that word but it's perfect for how I feel. My fro is out and I'm drinking tea, it feels good to be home.

Something funny about today is, while I was waiting for my dad to pick me up, I was waiting behind a building that's lined with little cafes and African variety stores there. I was sitting down with my notepad and receipts making a list of today's expenses when a man came up to me. This is how our conversation went:

Him: Hello sister.How are you?
Me: Fine, thanks. *thinking: he's dressed like a pimp. i'm not interested go away*
Him: Are you a detective? writing so many things down haha
Me: I'm just writing down my expenses from today
Him: What are you doing here?
Me: Waiting for my dad to pick me up *emphasis on dad: hoping he takes the hint*
Him: Where do you work?
Me: I don't work, just study. Detective you're funny hahaha
Him: What university do you go to, sister?
Me: It's a tafe in the city.
Him: Ohh okay. I just finished from work now. I've just come here to socialise.
Me: With who???
Him: My friends at the cafe.*points*
Me: Ohh right.
Him: It was nice to meet you, sister *hand shake*

Update: Awww my five year old sister just came into my room with a sandwich she made for me. How sweet!

Update: just got home from a supermarket run with dad. I am now re-stocked in the bird seed department. Went with my dad and stopped at some coffee & shisha lounge along the way because my dad got a call from his friends brother to meet him there. It was weird, man. I mean. I walk in, on the right side there are a bunch of teens smoking shisha and talking. On the right there are a few adult couples smoking shisha and playing pool. I sit down far enough that I don't have to talk to anyone but close enough that I'm not away from dad. I felt like everyone was staring at me. Turns out, I was right. Conversation with dad on our way out to the car:

Me: I have never seen this place before. I didn't know it was here.
      That was weird. As soon as you walk in everyone stares.

Dad: I think it's a pick up place. They chat, then pick up. That's why they stare.

Me: If I ever happen to walk in there again I should make sure the words "fuck off" are printed on my forehead.

Nagging thoughts

There is always this negative part of me that refuses to be content with my efforts.

Yes, I'm on meds which are helping me function (can't you take care of yourself without pills?)
Yes, I'm in my last year of school (you were in your last year of school 2 years ago)
Yes, I'm graduating this year (you would have graduated in 2012 if you didn't drop out)
Yes, I will apply to university (almost everyone you know is about to start their 2nd year in Uni)

Whatever.

Better late than never. Got to remember this.

1st of Feb?!

I am diving back into the world of blogging.

Time is flying so fast and I am glad! This means I will graduate in 10 months. Not much has changed since last year, except for the fact that my anti-depressants were doubled in dosage, i've started a new creative project, and I haven't had an income since about last October, which means I've been mooching off my parents. Because of this I've applied for financial assistance for tafe, am loaning money off my dad to get my text books, and putting in new applications to hopefully get an income rolling again.

I have to say, I'm looking forward to university very much. I've written down several universities in my city, but I have my heart set on two. After this week I will start the new school year. On Monday I've got two appointments; the first regarding  fees, and the second is with my psychology teacher who is holding last minute enrollments. (Bless him!) I want to try get into a classical studies class.