Randomness

Thoughts of the day: 

Dentists have fucking weird ornaments around the clinic. 

Next time wear more comfy shoes when walking around the city. 

Loss

Losing people is kinda like hunger. It can creep up on you so you can feel the grief lingering and growing stronger or it can feel like this strong pang that makes you want to double over. I'm sure I could probably think of a more sophisticated analogy at some other point in time but I'm thinking about breakfast. Rest in Peace, M.N♥️

Self-Loathing

More and more lately I am feeling worse about myself. Something needs to change.. I need to do something about the things I hate about myself. I wish I could just have some help though. I dont really feel like I have a support system right now. With the guy I'm in love with not messaging me back cos he's sick, and my best friend not messaging me at all unless I reach out to her first, I'm feeling alone. 

Love & Insecurities

I love him, I trust him, but because of the insecurities within myself I sometimes think he's too busy for me, or he doesn't really feel like talking. And I get if he's down and he's wthdrawn, that's something else. I just get weird. Last two days I've been down, and I've messaged him normally- I don't feel right just outing "I feel down and don't feel the safest right now, I don't trust myself." I'm not like that. I know if I really was going to harm myself, I wouldn't message him, I'd pick up my phone and call the help line number that I have saved. Like i've done in the past. And I don't want to have to tell him I'm down for him to reply to my message. I'm making him sound like a total jackass right now and when in reality he's absolutely lovely and supportive, and if I really did reach out like he asks me to he'd be there for me. I just had a shower, my head is still pounding and I know when I go to sleep tonight I'm going to have another nightmare.

Heal

Somehow, some time ago he made made me trust him completely. Even though I refrained from being really open about how much I appreciate him, how much I love our friendship he was always there taking what I gave him, appreciating me and respecting my limits, not trying to pressure or change me.

But the truth of the matter is, he has changed me. For the better. I don't exactly know when but I began to open up and feel completely safe sharing my thoughts and feelings with him. I've never felt like he's judged me, only supported me and believed in me.

The abuse I went through, it made me close doors to protect myself, until I felt like I was in this massive place isolated from everyone- always the loneliness lingering there behind every smile and laugh. But he changed that. While I still find it hard to open up to people, I am beginning to trust again, trust that there is good in people and so much love around me. 

I love him. 

Scrambled

Thoughts:

I'm so sleep deprived

I should make more friends so when I want to go out I'll have someone that's up to hang out

I should fill my closet with more harem pants

I should put that juicer on lay buy

I need to get my proof of age card done

My soap supplies should hurry up and get here

I wanna see dawn of the planet of the apes tomorrow

I'm so in love with him

I'm officially seeking part time work

Can't wait to see 22 jump street

I need fluffier pillows

I need sleep

Soap-making

So I'm going to try something new, out of my creative zone, and try soap making! I'm looking forward to it.

I had a flash back of when I was about 10, I'd ride on my bike around the blocks and get flowers from near a lake and pinch some from gardens and ride away, and make perfume from the flowers with water lol.

I remember I'd have these cool vase type bottle things where I'd put the perfume in and i'd store them. That was a nice time.

Resolute

Ideal daughter

Okay, so for many years now my parents have occasionally compared me to their friend's daughter, who is almost my age. I'm about a year older than her. They'd say stuff like, ___ is such a good girl, she's doing this, she wears the hijab, she prays, she works, blah blah blah. The thing is, I actually LIKE her, and they're making me resent her from their yapping.

I'm bringing this up because I just heard about my uni application, I've been told that it's on hold pending a document I need to attach (my results from the entrance exam) but it's impossible for me to attach these documents because the entrance exam is expensive and I can't take it right now. Now, I knew this would happen so I'm not shocked or anything. So I just told my dad, and he asks if I called ___ and I said no, why? and he tells me, well, she's trying to get into nursing too. You should do what she's doing.
*deep breath*

He has no idea what course she is doing. I am aware of what options are available to me. I am not sitting on my ass and wasting valuable time by choice, but because of circumstances.

**End of bitchy rant**

"Fun"

So.. since my last post I have learnt that thanks to technicalities I cannot graduate this year. Another big set back. Since then I have withdrawn from all of my classes and applied to university. My best option is to apply for this nursing diploma since it's a pathway into the bachelors, and it takes a year off it, too. So I've applied. If all goes well I start in February. The mid year intake (what I applied for) starts up in July but I'm pretty sure before I can be accepted I need to sit this entrance exam which is $60 and I can't spend what little funds I have at the moment on that. So if all goes well, I re-apply in Sept and start in Feb.

In the mean time, I've been sitting at home doing absolutely nothing: watching shows, films. Seriously, I hardly leave my house and that is just the norm now. Life is so short, why am I wasting mine? I'm so bored all the time. I suggested to a friend maybe I should start my TESOL course, give me something to do. He asked me if I had thought of doing something fun, something without pressure. And I literally realised I don't even know what is fun to me anymore.

I am in such a rut.

Habits

Why does it seem like breaking old habits is so hard, and making a new POSITIVE one is even harder?

I'm officially no longer a student for the first time in my life. It's only for a semester, but still. I've withdrawn from all my classes and am applying to a nursing program.

I'm so dis-interested in things lately. Blegh.

Options

There is always options... I believe if you really want something then there is always time  for you to go after it. There's always a way.

Super Human

So, my doctor has been out of office for... several months now. It's very unlike him because it was very abrupt and no one knows when or if he is returning. Not to mention (why do people say this when we're about to mention it?) he just got back from a few month holiday overseas.

At first I was pretty scared, and I also saw it coming. I called it. I remember telling my friends I was worried about losing my doctor, since my psychiatrist moved away my support system was + is kind of crumbling slowly.

I went many months without going to the doctor cos' I was like nah I'll wait for mine. But I needed to go to touch base and talk about my health so I went yesterday. The guy is nice, I saw him once in 2012. We talked about a lot and had a laugh, so I feel comfy. I will most likely start seeing him from now on. I hope my doctor comes back though.

Something I've learnt though, is that everyone is human. Doctors may seem super-human as they have to deal with serious stuff, but we're all human, and I think that's important and refreshing to cement in our minds.

Onwards & Upwards

So I'm feeling like I want to stay in bed forever this morning. Forcing myself to get out of bed, shower and do some studying. There's never enough of that. Have psych class tonight. 

On another note, I've really fallen out of practicing yoga which always made me feel a lot better, so after my shower I will do a practice of that and maybe write in my journal to reinforce my goals, and get on with working towards them. 

R.I.P

I choose to be grateful for having had such a great best friend. People die, it happens. I was lucky to have such a great friend, everyone who knew him was lucky to feel that kind of warmth, we should be grateful for having been touched in such a positive way by whoever was in our lives.

R.I.P M.N 

3/2/1995- 13/12/2010

Mini-freak out

It's 4am and I was like staring at my calender making notes just now. I looked at the date, day, time and I was like............ oh my god B how did you miss the entire day? you blew it? your deadline is today! you missed it? then I realise i've got 12 hours till my deadline and felt sick lol. Wowers. I keep fucking myself over with work, getting behind because i'm having a hard time here and there and I just retreat back into my bed for several weeks. It's WEAK, stupid. I'm not going to be able to do this in nursing school I need to get my shit together now. I have become more consistent than I used to be though.........

Goals & Thoughts

GOALS

-Where do I want to see myself ONE year from now?

One year from now I will be half way into my first year of being a nursing student. 

-Where do I want to see myself THREE years from now?

Three years from now I will have successfully attained my BSN and be a RN. 

-Where do I want to see myself FIVE years from now?

Five years from now I will have successfully attained my MSN.

Have been looking into a phlebotomy/ nurse's assistant course. They're both about 6-7 months. I've been looking into it purely so I can work part time while in uni. Not sure if considering yet. Mid year enrolments end in June so I have a month to think it over. 

I miss him.

*Aggravated sigh*

God, I cannot wait to move out. My parents treat me as if I'm still a child. I am an adult who makes decisions for herself. I simply sat my parents down to tell them I've officially registered to be an organ donor, and my dad gets all "why didn't you consult me about this first?" and then when I tell him because it's my decision, he goes "well why are you telling me anyway?" so I just walk away. So here I am.


And, god, I cannot wait to move out.

Questioning What Is

I think about us being together a lot. In person, being able to reach out and feel one another. Living together. Our friendship stronger than ever.

I know I love him, but am I- are we feeling what we are feeling because we are lonely? If we weren't lonely would things still be the way they are?

Even though we make each other sleep deprived;

I love him.

To Myself

You need to stop waiting around hoping something will magically happen to make you happy. To make you feel worthy, to make you feel special- like you ARE something. Love yourself. You are someone. Stop waiting around. Be someone. Make it happen.  Make yourself proud.

Cartoons

I feel like staying in bed all day watching my fave cartoons/Disney movies/nick reboot. I feel like doing that now but my eyes are burning from pulling an allnighter, in fact I would have been more productive if I spent the night masturbating. I don't feel like I absorbed anything I've revised for the psychology test. I hear the birds chirping, it's 7am, I just gave my bird fresh food, don't think I'm leaving the house today. 

Check yourself before...

What am I doing???
B- you love someone in a different state! oh boy. I don't know if I would change this if I could because its the result of our growing friendship. How can I love someone so much though when I don't even love or accept myself yet? I don't know. I'm not in a relationship technically, but it's basically an emotional one. I'm breaking my rules.

Almost relapse.

Not doing so great. Almost relapsed today. But didn't. So much work and my moods been shit. Just have to pull it together and push through.

Update: I called my doctors reception to see if I can get an appt with him asap. I was told he went on leave for a few months, that it was a last minute decision and they are not sure when he will be back. This is bad. I have sent out emails to my teachers asking for extensions. This is bad.

Doctor doctor...

I am not really sure who to turn to.
I don't understand my emotions, I can't imagine trying to explain them to a friend.
Things are getting bad again.

I think I need to see my doctor soon.

Sleep, study, repeat.

So much work.

So much work! and not enough time. Though I realise, I don't put every hour of my time to productive use. I need to manage my time better. I have realised I'm becoming more consistent, though, and that makes me quite happy with myself

Long term goal: Manage time better
Short term goal: SLEEP

Mouthing off

I hate being around people who talk badly of others. I really do. Worse being, when they look like they're savouring what they say, indulging the negativity they're creating. I hate it.

I don't want to listen to you talk about the bad side and failures of this person. We all have bad sides and all make mistakes. What you're saying is ugly, I don't want to hear it. But I can't say that without sounding completely rude or disrespectful, so I'll stare at the ground and not ask any questions.

I don't want...

I don't want to be the kind of person who worries about what other people are thinking of them.

I don't want to be the kind of person who feels they have to look a certain way before they leave the house.

I don't want to be the kind of person who fusses about the house being tidy before visitors come over.

I don't want to be the kind of person who thinks they need someone else's approval.

I don't want to be the kind of person that feels they have to measure up to someone else's expectations.

I don't want any of that. I just want to be me. But who the hell am I, anyway?

Edit: I'm starving. But these stomach cramps are a bitch.

Sick

Stomach flu. Have been sitting on my ass all day from dizziness!! Crappy crappy times. I'm fairly happy though. Fuck, just remembered I forgot to take my meds today.This past week has been good, and I made a new friend who also wants to become a Nurse Practitioner.

Scrubs is making me happy. The janitor is my favourite.
Back to scrubs.

Frazzled

My day consisted of running around filling out financial aid forms in my appointment, picking up forms, printing things off, returning library books, buying textbooks, buying stationary, going to the post office and emailing teachers.

I'm frazzled. I never use that word but it's perfect for how I feel. My fro is out and I'm drinking tea, it feels good to be home.

Something funny about today is, while I was waiting for my dad to pick me up, I was waiting behind a building that's lined with little cafes and African variety stores there. I was sitting down with my notepad and receipts making a list of today's expenses when a man came up to me. This is how our conversation went:

Him: Hello sister.How are you?
Me: Fine, thanks. *thinking: he's dressed like a pimp. i'm not interested go away*
Him: Are you a detective? writing so many things down haha
Me: I'm just writing down my expenses from today
Him: What are you doing here?
Me: Waiting for my dad to pick me up *emphasis on dad: hoping he takes the hint*
Him: Where do you work?
Me: I don't work, just study. Detective you're funny hahaha
Him: What university do you go to, sister?
Me: It's a tafe in the city.
Him: Ohh okay. I just finished from work now. I've just come here to socialise.
Me: With who???
Him: My friends at the cafe.*points*
Me: Ohh right.
Him: It was nice to meet you, sister *hand shake*

Update: Awww my five year old sister just came into my room with a sandwich she made for me. How sweet!

Update: just got home from a supermarket run with dad. I am now re-stocked in the bird seed department. Went with my dad and stopped at some coffee & shisha lounge along the way because my dad got a call from his friends brother to meet him there. It was weird, man. I mean. I walk in, on the right side there are a bunch of teens smoking shisha and talking. On the right there are a few adult couples smoking shisha and playing pool. I sit down far enough that I don't have to talk to anyone but close enough that I'm not away from dad. I felt like everyone was staring at me. Turns out, I was right. Conversation with dad on our way out to the car:

Me: I have never seen this place before. I didn't know it was here.
      That was weird. As soon as you walk in everyone stares.

Dad: I think it's a pick up place. They chat, then pick up. That's why they stare.

Me: If I ever happen to walk in there again I should make sure the words "fuck off" are printed on my forehead.

Nagging thoughts

There is always this negative part of me that refuses to be content with my efforts.

Yes, I'm on meds which are helping me function (can't you take care of yourself without pills?)
Yes, I'm in my last year of school (you were in your last year of school 2 years ago)
Yes, I'm graduating this year (you would have graduated in 2012 if you didn't drop out)
Yes, I will apply to university (almost everyone you know is about to start their 2nd year in Uni)

Whatever.

Better late than never. Got to remember this.

1st of Feb?!

I am diving back into the world of blogging.

Time is flying so fast and I am glad! This means I will graduate in 10 months. Not much has changed since last year, except for the fact that my anti-depressants were doubled in dosage, i've started a new creative project, and I haven't had an income since about last October, which means I've been mooching off my parents. Because of this I've applied for financial assistance for tafe, am loaning money off my dad to get my text books, and putting in new applications to hopefully get an income rolling again.

I have to say, I'm looking forward to university very much. I've written down several universities in my city, but I have my heart set on two. After this week I will start the new school year. On Monday I've got two appointments; the first regarding  fees, and the second is with my psychology teacher who is holding last minute enrollments. (Bless him!) I want to try get into a classical studies class.