Fast forward

It's been a minute since I've been here last. I'm living back in my home town, had a baby boy who is now almost a 3 year old, my  with my almost- husband that I used to write about. We live together with our dog. And I'm becoming a plant person. 

But really I'm on here because I feel like talking about how I feel when I feel I'm too tired to voice it.... It is hard being in a relationship. I think its so easy to take someone for granted, to forget you used to have a life before them, and to remain an individual. I know I've lost myself in the last 5+ years being with my partner. Last year my resolution was to pick up my hobbies that I always was consumed by. I did start painting again. Watercolour painting which was new for me. And I started reading novels again.  Sporadically though and not often, really. This year I need to get back into that more and also reach goals to help me professionally. 

After questioning why I was upset two, three times he walked past me angrily. To me that was a quick give up. Seeing someone in almost tears and instead of being sympathetic, patient and seeing theyre too sad to talk, to just choose to be angry at being ignored instead. Fine, D. I am upset because I'm tired of being the one who is always honest and open in this relationship. I am tired. 

I feel like my mind is just a poison.

Confusion

I think I'm feeling too many things... one day I think I'm so in love and want to marry him. The next I feel like I have no idea what he and I are doing anymore, that we don't really want to be together, that we don't have our spark anymore... I want to get back to where we used to be.. adoring eachother, completely consumed by how in love we are with eachother.

And I just don't know who I am anymore. I feel completely stripped. Like I'm just this empty vessel. All I do is watch TV and live in this box.. why? What happened to things I used to enjoy doing? Why do I no longer care? I just feel so lost.

Shortcomings

I remember always thinking that when I'm older I'll be happier. How come no one ever told me that being an "adult" is over-rated?

Live

I feel like I can't go on anymore. I can't live with all of this pain. With my baby sister and mum on the other side of the world forever. I can't live for me. But how long can I hold on living for other people. I don't know.

Insecurity

You say you need me, but I worry that I need you more.

Life, now

I found my blog again today. I thought I had deleted it forever ago. Pleasantly surprised I didn't.
Good timing too.

So, i'm in nursing school now. First year. Doing well and loving it.

My parents want to pick up and move overseas in 6 months, with my sister. The thought is beyond painful to be away from her.

My dad and I no longer speak. I think for the best since really what he wants of me is to be a devoted muslim, who isn't in love an agnostic aussie.

And I'm saving money so I'm not homeless in 6 months time.

So yeah!! that about sums it up.

-Bee

Randomness

Thoughts of the day: 

Dentists have fucking weird ornaments around the clinic. 

Next time wear more comfy shoes when walking around the city. 

Loss

Losing people is kinda like hunger. It can creep up on you so you can feel the grief lingering and growing stronger or it can feel like this strong pang that makes you want to double over. I'm sure I could probably think of a more sophisticated analogy at some other point in time but I'm thinking about breakfast. Rest in Peace, M.N♥️

Self-Loathing

More and more lately I am feeling worse about myself. Something needs to change.. I need to do something about the things I hate about myself. I wish I could just have some help though. I dont really feel like I have a support system right now. With the guy I'm in love with not messaging me back cos he's sick, and my best friend not messaging me at all unless I reach out to her first, I'm feeling alone. 

Love & Insecurities

I love him, I trust him, but because of the insecurities within myself I sometimes think he's too busy for me, or he doesn't really feel like talking. And I get if he's down and he's wthdrawn, that's something else. I just get weird. Last two days I've been down, and I've messaged him normally- I don't feel right just outing "I feel down and don't feel the safest right now, I don't trust myself." I'm not like that. I know if I really was going to harm myself, I wouldn't message him, I'd pick up my phone and call the help line number that I have saved. Like i've done in the past. And I don't want to have to tell him I'm down for him to reply to my message. I'm making him sound like a total jackass right now and when in reality he's absolutely lovely and supportive, and if I really did reach out like he asks me to he'd be there for me. I just had a shower, my head is still pounding and I know when I go to sleep tonight I'm going to have another nightmare.

Heal

Somehow, some time ago he made made me trust him completely. Even though I refrained from being really open about how much I appreciate him, how much I love our friendship he was always there taking what I gave him, appreciating me and respecting my limits, not trying to pressure or change me.

But the truth of the matter is, he has changed me. For the better. I don't exactly know when but I began to open up and feel completely safe sharing my thoughts and feelings with him. I've never felt like he's judged me, only supported me and believed in me.

The abuse I went through, it made me close doors to protect myself, until I felt like I was in this massive place isolated from everyone- always the loneliness lingering there behind every smile and laugh. But he changed that. While I still find it hard to open up to people, I am beginning to trust again, trust that there is good in people and so much love around me. 

I love him. 

Scrambled

Thoughts:

I'm so sleep deprived

I should make more friends so when I want to go out I'll have someone that's up to hang out

I should fill my closet with more harem pants

I should put that juicer on lay buy

I need to get my proof of age card done

My soap supplies should hurry up and get here

I wanna see dawn of the planet of the apes tomorrow

I'm so in love with him

I'm officially seeking part time work

Can't wait to see 22 jump street

I need fluffier pillows

I need sleep

Soap-making

So I'm going to try something new, out of my creative zone, and try soap making! I'm looking forward to it.

I had a flash back of when I was about 10, I'd ride on my bike around the blocks and get flowers from near a lake and pinch some from gardens and ride away, and make perfume from the flowers with water lol.

I remember I'd have these cool vase type bottle things where I'd put the perfume in and i'd store them. That was a nice time.

Resolute

Ideal daughter

Okay, so for many years now my parents have occasionally compared me to their friend's daughter, who is almost my age. I'm about a year older than her. They'd say stuff like, ___ is such a good girl, she's doing this, she wears the hijab, she prays, she works, blah blah blah. The thing is, I actually LIKE her, and they're making me resent her from their yapping.

I'm bringing this up because I just heard about my uni application, I've been told that it's on hold pending a document I need to attach (my results from the entrance exam) but it's impossible for me to attach these documents because the entrance exam is expensive and I can't take it right now. Now, I knew this would happen so I'm not shocked or anything. So I just told my dad, and he asks if I called ___ and I said no, why? and he tells me, well, she's trying to get into nursing too. You should do what she's doing.
*deep breath*

He has no idea what course she is doing. I am aware of what options are available to me. I am not sitting on my ass and wasting valuable time by choice, but because of circumstances.

**End of bitchy rant**

"Fun"

So.. since my last post I have learnt that thanks to technicalities I cannot graduate this year. Another big set back. Since then I have withdrawn from all of my classes and applied to university. My best option is to apply for this nursing diploma since it's a pathway into the bachelors, and it takes a year off it, too. So I've applied. If all goes well I start in February. The mid year intake (what I applied for) starts up in July but I'm pretty sure before I can be accepted I need to sit this entrance exam which is $60 and I can't spend what little funds I have at the moment on that. So if all goes well, I re-apply in Sept and start in Feb.

In the mean time, I've been sitting at home doing absolutely nothing: watching shows, films. Seriously, I hardly leave my house and that is just the norm now. Life is so short, why am I wasting mine? I'm so bored all the time. I suggested to a friend maybe I should start my TESOL course, give me something to do. He asked me if I had thought of doing something fun, something without pressure. And I literally realised I don't even know what is fun to me anymore.

I am in such a rut.

Habits

Why does it seem like breaking old habits is so hard, and making a new POSITIVE one is even harder?

I'm officially no longer a student for the first time in my life. It's only for a semester, but still. I've withdrawn from all my classes and am applying to a nursing program.

I'm so dis-interested in things lately. Blegh.

Options

There is always options... I believe if you really want something then there is always time  for you to go after it. There's always a way.

Super Human

So, my doctor has been out of office for... several months now. It's very unlike him because it was very abrupt and no one knows when or if he is returning. Not to mention (why do people say this when we're about to mention it?) he just got back from a few month holiday overseas.

At first I was pretty scared, and I also saw it coming. I called it. I remember telling my friends I was worried about losing my doctor, since my psychiatrist moved away my support system was + is kind of crumbling slowly.

I went many months without going to the doctor cos' I was like nah I'll wait for mine. But I needed to go to touch base and talk about my health so I went yesterday. The guy is nice, I saw him once in 2012. We talked about a lot and had a laugh, so I feel comfy. I will most likely start seeing him from now on. I hope my doctor comes back though.

Something I've learnt though, is that everyone is human. Doctors may seem super-human as they have to deal with serious stuff, but we're all human, and I think that's important and refreshing to cement in our minds.